Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Thank You, Big Cancer & Insurance, For Allowing Me To Stop Worrying About My Boobs

I was driving along yesterday when I heard the news that, according to the Cancer and Insurance Powers That Be (CIPTB), I can stop worrying about my boobs so much.

Actually, what they said was that I could put off worrying about my boobs until March 2, 20010, when I turn 50.  That's because, according to CIPTB, from now on, women under 50 really shouldn't have mammograms.  The CIPTB says I shouldn't have mammograms before then, because it might result in a false positive.  According to official CIPTB research, this false positive might worry me and cause me mental anguish, or it might lead some well-meaning doctor to perform an unnecessary procedure on me that will show that I do not in fact have cancer after all.

Apparently, finding out that you really don't have cancer after all is really bad.  I am only 49, so I don't really understand this, but I am sure that the people I know who have had cancer can explain it to me.  I'm betting they would be really pissed off too if some test turned out to be wrong, and they hadn't had cancer after all.  Hey, that would make me mad...so mad I might be driven to kissing strangers in the street for, oh, about a year.

I'm relieved that the CIPTB are so worried about me and my boobs.  It's touching that they are so concerned about all of us older gals' ta ta's and emotional health that they are willing to allow thousands of other, younger women -- women who are more likely to develop an aggressive form of cancer -- to avoid the strain of a wrongly minded mammogram.

I am SO relieved.  Not.

1 comment:

Blue Lass said...

I've had two false positives, and all I can say is, it sure beats a false negative. Duh.